After a few years of going back and forth trying to decide whether my husband could stop working, we finally decided he should go for it. A few weeks ago, my husband gave his notice at work, and we just finished his third week of not working. When I started this project (which isn’t much of a project at this point with this being my third post), he was a full time employee for nine months of the year, but with a very flexible job and nice, long breaks in the intensity of his work. Admittedly, he was underemployed, and neither of us thought that he would stay in this job forever, but he was having fun, and we were relatively comfortable, so we kept going. Then, for a variety of reasons, we made the decision that he would stop working. One of which was that his take home pay did not completely justify having two children in full-time day care. I know that so many families come to that conclusion, though we are unique in that it is typically the mom who stays home. I am excited and scared at the same time. Having to fulfill the traditional roles of both mom and dad can be a lot of pressure and hard to navigate, though that is mitigated quite a bit because I have a wonderful partner who is willing to take on the nontraditional role and who also seems oblivious to what society thinks he is “supposed” to do (or just truly doesn’t give a damn).
I have noticed that people’s responses when they hear the news of my husband’s new situation fall into three categories:
“So what is he going to do?”
This one is funny to me. We have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, and he will be home with them the majority of his time. I don’t think he’ll be sitting on the couch all day eating pizza.
“Has he considered doing x, y, or z?”
And everyone wants to tell me about a job they heard about or introduce my husband to someone they know who might have an opening that would be a good fit. I could be wrong, but I doubt women who have just decided to stay home with two small children face the same type of questioning or “helpful” suggestions. Around the same time my husband gave his notice, a friend with a one-year-old gave her notice for her job. She has a masters-level degree, and I can guarantee that her salary pulled in four to five times what my husband’s did. Yet people accept that she wants to stay home and are okay with it. No one tries to fix her up with something new or introduce her to new networking opportunities.
3. “Good for him (or you).”
This is, unfortunately, the smallest category of responses.
I admit that I fall into these categories at one time or another. Depending on my audience, I have created some narrative about his plans. “Well he’s going to commit to staying home with the kids for another year or until they get to school and then he’ll consider x, y, or z.” Or, “He’s going to stay home with the kids but build up x, y, or z on the side.” Either one of those may or may not be true. I’m actually completely content if he wants to consider himself retired and never work again. I decided I’m no longer going to try to adapt the narrative to fit others’ expectations, especially about reading this article about the “man trap” and how men are perceived: https://www.1843magazine.com/features/the-man-trap. I still struggle about what I will say when people ask me what he does. Both “unemployed” and “stay-at-home dad” don’t seem to fit for various reasons. I am trying not to worry about it and have settled on telling people that he is retired, and for now I am enjoying the clean house, coming home to dinner with my family, and getting more time together.
