Because of how my husband and I divide our workload, I feel as if I am reminded fairly regularly of the ways that I don’t fit the typical “mom” mold. Some of this is external, and may be a comment or question from someone that may be well-meaning but that may be offensive. Many times it may be internal as well – my behaviors as a mom don’t conform with what I have been socialized to think I should be doing.
Most of the time I am fine brushing off a comment or getting rid of negative thoughts. But a couple of months ago a couple of situations related to my kids’ health happened within a two-week period, and I truly felt like a bad parent for a bit.
The first one happened when I ran into my children’s pediatrician, and she commented on how cute my kids were when she saw them the week before. I asked her where she had run into them. I was mortified when she told me they had been in her office for an appointment but managed to pretend like I knew what she was talking about. It turned out that my baby had a scheduled nine month appointment, and my husband had taken my children along so they both could get flu shots. (I was also simultaneously impressed that my husband took them to get flu shots. I probably would have thought about doing that but then never followed up.)
Then a week or two right after that my son was back at the pediatrician after not feeling so well. Here was our exchange when my husband and I talked on the phone after the appointment (I was did know that he was not feeling well and was being taken to the doctor):
“How did it go?”
“Fine. He has a double ear infection.”
“What do you do for that?”
“Amoxicillin.”
“Okay, be sure to watch him. I’m allergic to that.”
“Just like your daughter.”
“Ha ha.”
Silence…”You do know your daughter is allergic to that.”
“No she’s not?”
“No i’m being serious. Please tell me that you know that your daughter broke out in awful hives when she took this stuff a couple of years ago.”
“That sounds kind of familiar?”
Full disclosure, I have been to the pediatrician a total of four times in almost three years for two kids. That seems like not a lot since it seems like little kids are supposed to go to the doctor all of the time, not even counting when they have to go because they are sick. I went with my older child to her very first doctor’s appointment. I went to my baby’s first appointment (which was conveniently scheduled at the same time as my daughter’s two-year-old check up, so I got a two-fer). Then the baby had some weight issues, so I had to go two more times. The infrequency of my visits to the doctor is not something that I want to change. I could go to more appointments. My job is flexible, and I could meet my husband and kids there, but I don’t want to. Does that make me a bad mom? Personally, I would rather work to get home earlier and take my kid out on her tricycle than watch her get weighed and measured and poked and prodded.
What I do feel bad about is not knowing when the appointments are or what medications might harm my children. That is something we are working to improve. My husband now sends me calendar notifications so that I know when milestone checkups are, and we keep a list of things our kids are allergic to. I will also forever go to the same pediatrician and the same pharmacist and hope that there are enough charts and computers documenting everything so that I never forget their allergies again.
